


First Of One.Sound Of White.

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Canon, Drama, Ethan Gold Bashing, Implied/Referenced Abuse, M/M, Points of View, Romance, Season/Series 02, Season/Series 03, Song Lyrics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-01-11
Updated: 2006-07-23
Packaged: 2018-12-26 18:20:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12064467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: Justin and Brian.Both of them blind to see. Ethan and Bruises. Happy endings. Promise.





	1. Images In The Dark

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

  
Author's notes: Well, here it comes. An anti-Ethan story. It starts out sort of dark, but grit your teeth. I promise a happy ending. And I'm a girl of my word. Ask anyone who knows me.*smiles* Hope you enjoy. Please review, it means a lot to me/  


* * *

I tried. I really did. 

I tried to convince myself that I was in love with him. So I left the one person I will always love, to go with an illusion. I never loved him - I know that now. I never will. Because my heart still beats in dedication to another. I can hear it, late at night. 

This is my only connection to him.

't lies deep inside of me, but thick on the surface, only for a crowd of one. He will always be my first love.

my first of one.

Ethan left the door open. A trick that bruises. I am now bruised.

A ray of yellow light cuts its way through the rest of the dark appartement. This..hole of pain and misery, covered up by serenades and whispers. A whisper louder than a scream.  
I need to get out of this room, away from this - 

The bed heaves a sigh as I stand up. My feet tap their way to the other room. The only space of freedom. The place where I can see myself for who I am. What I have become. I am the man in the other room. The reality of a person people like to see. Ignorance in their eyes.

Inside my heart is breaking  
my make-up may be flaking  
but my smile - still stays on

I won't gasp when I'll discover fresh bruises.They have become a regularity. They are a soothing pain for the heart, that is feeling too many regrets. I cannot blame Ethan. This is the life I chose to live.

I stand in front of the mirror, realizing I have dreamt about him yet again. He was standing right behind me, in this room, next to bruises on my skin. Placing kisses on them. He kissed my booboo's and they went away. A breath on my lips was the last I ever saw, and words I never will forget. 

'Tell me.' 

I can't. He wouldn't...

I won't.

*

Out of sight. Out of reach. What I learned from all this is: never out of heart. His presence haunts my sketchbooks, the pencil drawing shadows on his face.

{ Tell me, did you really think. Oh tell me did you really think I had gone,   
when you couldn't see me anymore. }

Reaching the bed and liar once again, I pray my nightly prayer in whispers before sleep comes over me.

" If things get real for me down here,   
promise to take me to before you went away  
if only for a day."

"I love you Brian."  
A confession without voice, from a heart that died inside.  
Show me how to come alive.

*

JUSTINS POV

Sighing as I entered the diner, the bell announces my arival and several heads turn my way. Hazel eyes stood out from all the others. And then I 

ran.

I ran until my legs went numb. This had been the first time I'd seen him since that fatal night. I'd quit immediately after and had met with the guys someplace else. School, the park, you name it. Just - not Babylon or anywhere I could meet him. Avoiding the spots where we'd have to speak.

I crash and burn and then return again.   
Back to the life I live while dying.

BRIANS POV 

His eyes had seemed so sad. I had never seen them like that before. There was nothing in them. No spark, no love, no - Justin.

I'm not missing him, even though I am.

I am - empty for some reason.   
Hoping that the nightly cries I hear in dreams are fictional. That my daily fear's just a way of scaring me. I hope that one day, he'll look me in the eye without running. 

I am hoping that he'll stay.


	2. Lightning strikes

  
Author's notes: Ok, so I finished the story. What can I say, once I start, there's no way of stopping me, right Ames?  
  
This story is dedicated to my new friend Amy and Les, still there.   


* * *

JUSTINS POV

Well, it's finally happened: They tracked me down and forced me into family dinner. Drivin down on a sunday afternoon. Conveniently seated next to him, whose eyes will see after a while.

The munchers brought Gus. Thank God for that little guy of diversion.I love him so goddamn much. But not as much as I love his daddy. I wish and fear he'd know.

I wish I could stop picking my food and talk. To anyone. About everything. But I don't.I won't.

Because it seems too much. I can't keep on pretending and I not pretend. But nobody knows it but me. Nobody will ever. Unless his eyes will.

 

BRIANS POV

Something's wrong. He isn't walking, talking and - smiling like my Justin does.Like he - used to. And it hurts my soul.

My heart is aching. Pulse is fading. Thoughts have ran away.

Jus, don't cry now. These invisible tears, they hurt us both.

Tell me what you're feeling, I'll wipe the tears away.

 

I can't go on living. I can't go on dying, Justin!

Save us.

Say anything - but say what you mean.

 

JUSTINS POV 

He knows. He saw. I know he would, I just didn't know it'd be so - soon. That's what you get when...

when you love each other so much it hurts. 

He didn't. I guess... 

The symptoms are there and my heart does know the truth, but I refuse to believe. I won't let it be this heartbreaking.

I wish he'd be blind and- I wish I could be lonely.

It is like Samuel Johnson said: 

"I am lonely because I am miserable,  
and am unwilling to cloud with my presence   
the happiness of others."

I am a thundercloud. Lighting has struck my heart when knowing that the analysis could only mean one thing. Love. 

The light of him had been to bright and I had failed to see. 

I had known all along.

"Fear is the heart of love."

*

They wonder. They worry. I can see it. I am angry to. I will be the target of the punches I throw. 

DEBBIES POV

Allright. Something's the fuck up and he WILL tell me what it is.

I look over to Brian and he blinks his cooperation. 

Here goes nothing...

"Justin, what's gotten into you?"

JUSTINS POV

"Justin, what's gotten into you?"

I don't...I don't know. Just leave me be. He'll hurt you if I tell. I can't. I -   
Please don't do this.

"Answer her, Jus." 

It's a whisper. But even a whisper from the mouth of the one I love can feel like a scream. Please don't do this.  
Not you Brian. I can take anyone, but not you. Not here. Not now. I can't tell you. He said that he'd - I can't. I won't see you get hurt because of me. Not again.

So all I can do is shake my head, shake them up. Ignorance is sweeter.

"No Brian. YOU don't get to tell me what to do anymore." It sounds like sobbing, even though I try. I try, I really do.

 

BRIANS POV

I can hear gasps coming from all around the table. I don't give a shit. But I know I shouldn't be speaking to him about this here. Not here. However, now the show will have to go on, and then reality will play behind closed curtains. So I play.

"I'm just worried, Jus, we're still..."

JUSTINS POV

"NO." I stop him right then and there and break my heart all over again.

{ nothing cures the hurt you, you bring on by yourself, just remembering, just remembering how we were. }

My breath hitches. But I have to do this. I can't..

"We're not anything, Brian. You were my everything, but not anymore. That's over now, isn't it?" Tears are falling on the inside as I shake my head furiously, trying to dismiss reality.

 

BRIANS POV

I'm sorry. It's not bullshit. I am so sorry Justin. Don't blame this on yourself, please. I - shoved untill you fell. I wasn't there to catch you. I lost you on the bridge, while fog was clouding reason. But the heart does things for reasons that reason cannot comprehend. I thought you would be happy. I can't - breathe knowing somethings hurting you. Is it me? Am I the reason for your pain?

He goes on. Please make him stop. Don't let this hurt him.

" And don't say friends. We were never friends, we couldn't have been because I've always - and, and I'll always - I've.."

Shh. It's ok. Don't speak. I know. 

" I've got to go. "

He ran. 

I followed.

(faintly hearing Michael yell something about 'the little shit not being worth it' and resisting the urge to punch him. He just doesn't get it, does he? I love him. He's my first priority. always.)

JUSTINS POV

I just love this bridge in the winter. Isn't it amazing how water never stops flowing? It's like love. No, not the common love. It's like Brian and my love for him. Colliding into rocks, but unbreakable. Touchable, dreamable.

Wouldn't it be lovely to let it flow again.Like these tears of mine that keep on coming, keep on being. I wish I could feel them. 

I realise that I do. I only feel when he's..

"Hey."

here.

I can't believe I can't turn around. Not untill his hand is resting in the crook of my neck. Please don't - stop.

"I can't do this, Brian." I manage to get out, my voice breaking and his soothing me.

"I know. 'T's ok, I'm here." With that, he wraps his arms around me and I can hear his heart beating. Fast. Comforting. Brian.

"Tell me." He whispers in my ear, kissing my eyes.

"I can't." I sigh. "We can't.."

 

BRIANS POV

"Come home."

"What?" He turns around in my arms and looks disbelievingly into my eyes.

"Come home, Jus. I - " "- I miss you."

He blinks a few times, then shakes his head again. He's been doing that a lot today. Shaking something off of him. I wish I knew.

"We can't be together,Brian." My heart is breaking. I need to know something though.

"Why the fuck not?"

"He'll hurt us." he tells me. 

"Who will?" My voice is breaking.  
He doesn't answer. So I confront my fears.  
"Show me, Jus. - But come home first.Just for tonight."

:.The loft.:

As I lay him down on our unslept bed and strip him of his clothes, I try my best not to cry. Bruises. I rain kisses all over them and heal them with invisible tears rolling down my lips. 

He raises my head in his hands and says

"This isn't your fault" 

I nod but shake on the inside.

"Stay with me tonight." I ask.

He nods and whispers

"Stay with me forever."


	3. After Today, Please Never Leave My Side

  
Author's notes: Sorry it has taken me so long. I have a week off right now, so the chapters'll be up quick. PROMISE. xxL. Please tell me what you think...   


* * *

BRIANS POV

I wake up and realize he's gone. He's - not here, not ... safe. So I jump out of bed and call for him, silence answering me. A note. 

'Don't worry about me. We can't do this. He said we couldn't. We can't.  
But I will love you, always. Never forget. - J'

Fucking Hell. He's got to be kidding me. Justin! Are you out of your freaking mind ? I know that if I go there now he will just hurt a bit more. 'Cause Ian will be there and I know what he is capable of now. I won't do anything to hurt Justin. But I can't do nothing. So I do the only thing I am able to do without seeing him. I take out my cellphone and open a new message.

'This world you're in now,   
it doesn't have to be alone, 

I'll get there somehow.

Justin, I miss you. Please come home.   
What can't we face if we're together?   
Nothing.  
(I take a deep breath before adding..)  
I love you. I really do. Come home. '

JUSTINS POV

I open the door and feel his fist connecting with my face. I fall down only to have him grab my hair and yank me back up. "Where've you been huh?" He hisses. I can feel a stream of blood flowing over my leftcheek. I stay silent, I know a word would be the end of me. "With HIM?" He spits it out like venom. "You ran back to that slut? Did he fuck you like I do?" ' You don't know shit. ' He kicks me down again, punching me in the stomach, on my face, in that - No. Not there Ethan. I can't move, I can't feel, I can't - ' Brian! ' I cry out in pain. He laughs menacingly. "He won't come. You're just a whore. Not . *kick* Worth. *kick* Anything. *kick.* " 

I moan from all the pain I feel coursing through my body. " You like that huh?" He chuckles then yells : " What the FUCK did I tell you, JUSTIN? I'll hurt him. You know I will." I gasp at that and utter : " Not. With him. Yesterday." " DON'T YOU FUCKING LIE TO ME, YOU PIECE OF SHIT." "Why would. I?" I swallow. "I wish. But No." 'Believe me. Believe me.' " Deb. Too much drink." "DRUNK? FIGURES. You're not good for anything... You little faggot." He turns around and I see my chance, I - hit him, again and again and again. I run. The wounds don't make it easy. 

Halfway down the stairs I feel my cell vibrating in my pocket. I read his words and know that he is right. God, how I need him. How I love his eyes, his face, his arms, his...his everything. Like Alexander Pope said : "What effects our hearts is not the exactness of peculiar parts ; 'Tis not a lip, or eye, we beauty call, but the joint force and full result of all." I love Brian for everything he is. The things no one sees. The secrets and the lies. To many he's a mystery, my mystery.

The road seems far too long and I cannot go on. But I will. I have to - have to see him. 

BRIANS POV

I can tell the exact moment he leaves Ethans shithole. I can also feel the pain. So I jump into the jeep and drive. I see him dragging himself down the roads and pull over. Run. Catch him when he sees me and falls into my arms. "Brian" he whispers, his voice broken. "I'm here," I kiss his fresh bruises and run my fingers through his hair. "You're safe now. I'll take care of you." His breathing evens out, and I lift him up in my arms, carrying him to the jeep and driving us home,my hand never leaving his.


	4. Nightminds

  
Author's notes: Okay, here comes another one. I'll keep on posting every other day or so. Well, I'll try. Thank you all for reviewing. xxxL.  


* * *

Just lay it all down   
put your face into my neck and   
let it fall out

BRIANS POV

Gently I lay him down on the bed and kiss his eyes, that are in a blissful world right now. A world were forgetting is a standard. I start walking backwards, not being able to tear my eyes away. On the steps I pause.   
The tears are coming. I can feel them building up in my throat. I will hurt Ethan, but ... later. Right now I have to take care of Justin. My lover, my partner. The only one for me.   
I can't believe I let him go. I should've seen through Ethan and I should have- I should have protected him.

I failed.

And with that thought, my knees weaken, my hands start shaking and I sink down to the floor. Bury my head in my hands and start sobbing. The tears, they - have arrived.

 

JUSTINS POV : dream vs. reality

I can see us. He's sweeping me off my feet and spinning me around. Kissing me and whispering. "You're safe now. I'll take care of you." I nod. I know he will and I feel safe. loved.   
I love him so much. He is the one thing that helped me survive these past weeks. Ethans fists and feet couldn't touch me as long as Brian was with me. He was. I felt him.   
I smile.

BRIANS POV

He smiles.   
And at that sight my tears stop falling. I look at him and promise us that I will make him smile so much people will think his face is frozen. I will love him. I will make him and all the world see that we are meant to be together.   
I smile. Who'd have known that Brian Kinney, the stud of Liberty Ave. would be thinking like this? God, how he changed me. No, those aren't the right words. He didn't change me, not really, he just told me that - it's okay to be who you are. I think that deep inside of me there has always been this person, who loves with every fiber of his being. Who loves Justin with every fiber of his being. I never believed in soulmates, but I know that I could never love anyone else. People may think that that's just - me being romantic. But they are wrong. It just is the truth. 29 loveless years proove that, don't you think? 

He shifts in our bed and starts mumbling. Loving words of love.

I understand why I love him, I just don't understand why he would love me. Especially in the beginning. I was an asshole to him. I didn't treat him the way should be treated. The way he deserves to be treated. 

I love him so much.

He is stirring and I walk over, lying down on my side of the bed. Just - looking at him 'till he wakes up. And when he does and those blue eyes lock with my hazel ones, I am so happy. He reaches out and cups the side of my face in his hand.I lean into his touch. 

"You've been crying," he says matter-of-factly.  
"Yeah." My voice sounds hoarse all of a sudden.  
"Why?" He asks me. "It wasn't your fault."  
"It doesn't matter," I whisper. "You're here now."  
He kisses me where the tears have fallen, telling me that it's okay.

"Don't leave me." I plead him. "Don't ever..."  
He nods. 

"I won't."


	5. Flying Feathers

  
Author's notes: AAARGH. I don't wanna go to class tomorrow, I don't wanna, you can't make me! If you read this chap, I feel like doing exactly like Brian does. It might not be mature, but - who the fuck cares? I spent my close to - last hours of freedom working on this chap. I'll try and update asap. I know I normally update every other day, but tuesday I'm off to see a concert. Maybe I'll update tomorrow instead... Please review? xxxL.  


* * *

JUSTINS POV

 

\-- BEEP

"Brian? BRIAN! Wake uuuup!" Michaels whining voice resounds through the loftspace. Refusing to open my eyes, I heave a big sigh and hear Brian next to me groan. Now, thát's something I'm comfortable opening my eyes to. I smile when he shakes his head and pulls his pillow over it like a little kid. I lift one side of his pillow and look at him, closing his eyes, his brows furrowed together, not willing to accept the voice that's still babbling (where is he? why didn't he show up at the diner this morning and the previous one? why doesn't he know -"I'm your BEST FRIEND") and ruining our peaceful silence. "He won't stop talking 'till you pick up, you know," I whisper. He mumbles back (while groaning) : "Don't wanna." He peaks open one eye and grins at me. "Yóu pick up!" I shake my head with huge eyes (how could he even THINK about that?) "Nu-uh, sorry to break it to ya Brian, but Michael doesn't like me very much." He nods and shrugs:" I know, but - why? If he's my best friend - like he constantly says he is- he should know how I feel about you by now, shouldn't he?" I nod a little "Yeah," I tell him, "He should." (Michael's started his 'if this is about the little shit'-speech, talking about how 'bad' I am) Brian kisses my neck, up to my ear and says: "Put him in his place, Jus - please." He pouts. Now, Brian never pouts unless he REALLY wants something. He looks so goddamn adorable right now and he knows it. I sigh an exagerated - make that VERY exagerated - sigh, jump out of bed and pick up the receiver.

"Michael."

"What the FUCK are you doing there, you little SHIT?" (I hear his voice resound on our answering machine. I didn't know it kept on recording after you picked up.. Well, something new to learn every day...) He is seething. Sort of funny actually... I smirk. "I don't think that's any of your businness..." "OH!" He is shocked by my answer. What did I tell you? funny." I am SOOO gonna tell Brian, you stupid - (pausing) BUSSBOY!" Hah! NOW I'm insulted... "You do that, I honestly don't care..." I sigh and with a neutral "Bye Michael" I end the call.

Brian has propped himself up on his elbows and looks at me worriedly. "You know, I AM sorry about the way he treats you. The way he's been treating you ever since we met...He's just - " I nod. "He's just Michael." I finish for him, walking back up the stairs (the receiver was lying on the Mies Van de Rohe. Hurray! Hu - fucking - rray!). I crawl back into bed and kiss him on the lips tenderly. "It's okay, Brian. It's not your responsablity. Besides..." I kiss him with every word that follows. "It's. Worth. It." He smiles at that, before reaching under the duvet to reach for my cock. "So Sunshine, ready to take care of our morning hard-ons?" I gasp, with one single touch he has me tingling - thank God, 'cause Michael had sort of spoiled the fucking that was about to happen after awaking... 

I grin. 

"You BET."

* 

Well, we sort of got lost in the moment. For hours. I smile a MegaWatt - Sunshine - smile and with that gain Brians attention. He looks at me, instead of at the road, where he SHOULD be looking. I don't mind a bit though. "It's good to see you smiling. I mean - really smiling. I've missed that." He says, so casually. Too good to be true, I can feel all the emotion in that statement. "Me too.." I say. We park and that's when I freak out a bit. "Brian - what will we-.." "- tell them?" I nod. "Just leave it up to me." He intertwines our fingers and I know we'll be okay.

 

BRIANS POV

I can feel Justin relax as I intertwine our fingers. Together we walk up to the door of the diner. Time to face the music. 

The symphony starts with the doorbell announcing our presence, immediately followed by Debs shrieking at seeing our hands - or seeing our faces - or both. I nod at her. "Deb." Justin just smiles nervously. (Deb's stopped any activity, standing behind the counter, a smile plastered on her face, happy tears about to fall. The coffee's getting cold.) I clear my throat." Er - I'd like some of that hot stuff before it gets cold - and I'm not talking about a trick." I nod a couple of times with questioning eyebrows. Her throats makes an errr-sound. I smile. "Okay then". 

Our booth has been filled with everybody but Mel and Linds, who enjoy lunch at home (we're way past breakfast). We get er- staring, gawking, clapping (Emmett, who'd you think?) and er - more staring and gawking. Eyes wide and mumbling. Eyes that burn holes through my young lover (his morning caller). I sit down as if I'm unaware of it all and pull Justin down with me, never releasing his hand. "Well," I start. "Anybody got laid that don't know about?"


	6. Boards and Heroes

  
Author's notes:

I'm so sorry it's taking me so long. My muse has been chatting on about different stories and he's starting to drive me insane. So I yelled for a bit about the fact that this story can't go unfinished, and he took pity on me and put this chapter in my head. Let's hope he takes pity on me again soon..

Please review, and let me know you haven't forgotten about this story, or me for that matter. *grins* Pretty please? xxxL.

* * *

JUSTINS POV

And suddenly it's like I never left. Brians arm resting protectively over my shoulder, squeezing me closer to him every once in a while. Emmett's chipper voice recalling Liberty's latest gossip and Michael's eyes burning holes into me. I try to avoid them, and so is Brian, but I can tell he notices by the way he kisses the side of my face. 'You're gonna be okay,' he's telling me, 'I'm here for you.'I nod and bury my face in his neck. 

"Well, aren't you the sweetest couple ever!" Debbie laughs. Brian groans but makes no remark on the 'couple-comment'. I blush profoundly. Fuck, I wonder when I'm gonna grow out of that shit. It's goddamn embarrasing. 

"Debbie, could we get some food over here? We'll have the usual.." I raise an eyebrow. He started thinking in the 'we'-form? This is serious. I beam up at him and he smiles back at me. Everything's going to be all right, as long as we're together. We can face anything..

"Hey!" Brian shakes me out of my reverie. I sigh dramatically."Hmm...Just dreaming a bit.." He answers that statement with a knowing smirk, leans in and whispers in my ear: "About my cock up your ass?" 

I giggle. "Close, but not *quite*. Although.." He licks my ear and I shiver. We hear a loud snort coming from next to us (nooo, not Michael..he's too fucking shocked to say anything - which is pretty funny actually. Is this guy hilarious today or WHAT?) and turn to see his mother popping her gum.

Brian looks up at her innocently. "I thought you'd be pleased.." She smiles and pinches our cheeks - I wonder when *she'll* grow out of *that*. Bets, anyone? - "That my two babies found their way home? Of course I am." She frowns and crosses her arms. "But that doesn't fucking mean that the Brian/Justinshow should be publicly displayed when people are eating. Get a fucking room!" 

Brian grins wickedly." Oh, we will..after we've eaten your de-li-cious meal..that is turning cold.." I laugh at Debbie's confused face and point at her hands. She looks down and blushes. "Oh.Right."

Emmett giggles. "It's okay, Deb, they have that effect on people.."Brian looks at me and kisses me full on the mouth, Debbie slapping him from behind. "Don't fucking tease me, Kinney.. Or I'll fu- " She shuts up all of a sudden and shit, that's never happened before. We all follow her gaze and find fiddlefuck standing outside of the diner, his eye swollen and a cartboard sign in his reddened fingers. 

_It's not over._

  
BRIANS POV

Christ. Doesn't he ever get the picture? Talking about pictures, this would make for a fine Kodak-moment: Ian with a black eye and an empty threat on a cardboard sign. He probably couldn't even pay for a piece of paper. Of course Justin is terrified, both from the fact that he's the cause for the fiddler's bruises and because the threat seems anything *but* empty to him. He shivers and I cover him with my body, letting his fears crash into me. It'll be okay, Justin, I am here now. I press my lips close to his face and just hold him. I don't care that people are watching. They've seen love before. And maniacs like Ethan wander through every street..

"Want me to take care of him?" I silently ask him. He shakes his head and whispers: "He'll hurt you." I take his chin and pull it so that he's looking into my eyes. "Sunshine,he won't hurt me. Rage is invincible, remember? I promise I'll be fine." I slide out of the booth, only to have him hold on to me with fear in his eyes. 

"Dont go."   

I sigh and pry his arms off me, looking the rest of the patrons defiantly in the eye. 

The doorbell jingles happy.

I can do this.

 


End file.
